Cutting too close to the bone

I’m not proud of being a popular culture idiot, it restricts the quality of social interaction. In the interests of my betterment, I read Jezebel. For example, I learned that a woman named Heidi Montag had ten plastic surgeries in one day. I have no clue who she is or why she’s notable beyond her apparent disposable income. One surgery was a butt augmentation. I didn’t know you could do that. I’d been asking Santa for a butt for the past several years, having given up on the unfulfilled waist request but now realize I just need a heftier paycheck. Anyway, my attempts at polite cocktail conversation would normally go like this:

Hapless cornered party guest: Did you hear Heidi Montag got a boob job? She’s an H cup!

Me, perplexed: Ah. Well. Really? Heidi? [looking around] Is she here? I don’t wear an H cup and apparently you don’t either. Say, do you sew? I’m a pattern maker…

HCPG interrupts: I think I’m going to be ill. Must lie down. [faints]

But now, courtesty of Jezebel, my convos will go something like this:

Hapless cornered party guest: Did you hear Heidi Montag got a boob job? She’s an H cup!

Me confidently, thanks to Jezebel: Yeah, I heard. Boy, I wonder what her underbust measures and what her back to front measurement differencial is. Bras will be structurally difficult; maybe they’ll use that spider silk to weave the straps. Did you know that pretty yellow is its natural color? Ounce for ounce, it’s 10 times stronger than steel. I wonder where they’re going to get the bra hardware to fit such a small span? The underwires will probably have to be custom machined or something. You know, I came up with this idea on how to make custom underwires with a certain kind of rigid boning, I should write about that. Takes a bit of shaping into a jig you have to build yourself but it’s all good, doesn’t take more than a bit of plywood cut to size and a few nails placed to shape -you’ll need to mount it of course. You can use an existing underwire to create the jig shaping pattern but I don’t trust push manufactured underwires and only suggest using one as a guideline. Speaking of the plywood and driving the nails, I like my circular saw and I have a really great nut driver set my husband but at the time boyfriend, got me for christmas, do you have one? He got me the deluxe 16 unit set. I felt special because he only got the 8 unit driver set for himself. Craftsman. That used to be a solid brand but now it’s dicey altho these particular ones are a good value, private label I’m sure. My circular saw and jig saw -now that I think about it, are Black and Decker. Don’t cringe, I know, I know but at least I didn’t get an off brand at Harbor Fright. Say, do you sew? I’m a pattern maker…

HCPG interrupts: I think I’m going to be ill. Must lie down. [faints]

As you can see, Jezebel improves the quality of my life and that of those with whom I interact.

I don’t like all the stuff on that site. Big on opinion, low on facts. One of them persists on writing about the apparel industry. She’s articulate and smart but gets a lot of stuff wrong. But what would  I know? As a former model, she’s presumed to be some sort of authority. Then there’s another one who comes positively unglued over anything related to obesity and uses lots of naughty words. I’m not allowed to post comments there, the process is juried. You have to say something banal and insipid preferably with gratuitous expletives to be allowed to comment. They’ve never met me at a cocktail party so their censorship is truly indefensible.

Anyway, Jezebel published an article about Homeless Chic.

Vivienne Westwood’s menswear show on Sunday featured models in frostbitten makeup carrying bed rolls and pushing shopping carts down the runway. It also made us ponder the evolution of the curious (and strangely recurrent) trend known as “homeless chic.”

VW is far from the only one. Now, I realize that designer fashion is all about pushing limits but I really think this cuts too close to the bone. I realize that art is often a testament to that which we fear or extremes intended to upstage homogeneity but considering the nation’s economy, I find this heartless and unkind. If fashion is often accused of being out of touch, one need not look any further than this. Take it as you will but I am sad.

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  1. b says:

    Heidi only claims to be a DDD currently (which is such a stupid number, why don’t they just call it an F!) but wants to be an H (for Heidi.)

    OMG, why do I know this stuff!!!

  2. Jomama says:

    I would love to chat you up at a party, and would actually find the cantilevered bra discussion interesting. More so that Heidi whoever’s plastic surgery adventures (never heard of her, won’t bother to research either). I am equally appalled by the homeless chic theme. But maybe shocking us all is the point? Glad I work in software.

  3. Trish says:

    Homeless Chic and using animal parts for accessories… and next …..

    Well, thanks for the great laugh and the best website on the www.

    Another current Microtrend for Taxidermy is a great example of worshipping in fashion the things we are missing in our life. You can find many pictures of the trend and a short article at Trendhunter.

  4. AJ says:

    okay I just looked at that site and had to make another comment…how can you read that?! lol First two things I saw were “Us Weekly Concerned About Shiloh’s Sexuality, Wearing Of Jeans” because she’s not wearing pink dresses and “Ingrid Newkirk Is The Worst Person In The World” because she authorized the use of a naked girl in an anti-meat ad.

  5. Terra says:

    Ok, not that I should be knowing this either, but Heidi Montag also spoke out against birth control pills and how they are “evil” and “devalue women.” Ironic much? I too wondered about her bra because she is so small in the ribcage, you would need steel cables or something for support. Her back must be killing her.

  6. Dia in MA says:

    Cantilevered bra discussion? Where did I put my copy of “Stress Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown”? We have everyone within a mile fleeing!

  7. Mary Beth says:

    LOL, Kathleen! I’ve been wondering who/why/how this spotlight on a Heidi with multiple surgeries. Still don’t know those answers but it’s lovely to giggle at your interior conversation.

  8. Betsy Johnson says:

    I can’t help but bite at this “cocktail party” discussion. If Heidi wants to be an H cup to match her initial, the small ribcage should be an advantage for her. Since cup size is determined by a ratio, a 32H would be much less to hold up than a 38H.

    Did you chose the bra discussion inspired by the Jezebel website because of the mental link with Jezebel lingerie? Maybe it is just me, since for a short period in my life I spent 8 hours/day sewing underwire casings on items with a Jezebel label.

  9. Betsy Johnson says:

    As I wake up, I realize I wrote too soon. Since cup size is determined by full bust being a set number of inches more than band size, a 32H does have to stick out proportionately more than a 38H. Still, since the volume of a 32H would be around the volume of a 38E, I still think that being a 32H would probably cause less pain than being a 38H.

  10. Deanna Tanner says:

    I have had conversations with similar results. Although I have to say that the response “I don’t sew, but my friend, blabiddy blad, makes the most beautiful quilts” changes the conversation sufficiently that I am the one fainting. I stubbornly refuse to allow quilting into the sewing category. But blabiddy blad can make quilts with CURVED pieces!
    Imagine fitting a small woman with H cup, muscular, egg shaped thoracic, and sloped shoulders without using curved pieces. Oh I admit it, I am an antiquiltite.

  11. Lesley says:

    As long as you limit the technical boob-enhancement topic, along with the distribution of forum site t-shirts, to cocktail parties rather than cancer survivor socials and the like, you should be safely marginalized rather than ostracized. A good friend of mine has an eccentric husband who likes to hand out his beloved Heating and Air conditioning Forum tees at inappropriate venues and he gets some really weird looks. As with all things eccentric, you need to wear a cape. NO ONE questions a person with a cape. Really. Plus, it would help ensure that YOU are the main topic at the next cocktail party! I could follow your train of thought except for the “Heidi Montag” part. I think I’m proud to admit I have no idea who she is, so if you run into me at a cocktail party, go easy on me for not being too “with it” either!

  12. I can’t get my comments past their editors either, and I’m glad to know someone else reads this site for her dose of popular culture. Sometimes I’ll even get real news from it and can surprise my husband by knowing what he’s going to tell me ahead of time. I also occasionally get good boob stories from it for my blog.

  13. Lisa Bloodgood says:

    I would hope that no one would want to be any size so big that it hurts her back and makes buying clothing difficult to impossible. That’s just me, though. :-)

  14. Teijo says:

    You know, most of my power tools are Hitachi. I didn’t plan it that way – it just happened. The cordless driver was the first violet model with curvy shapes and ornamental borders, and I bought it immediately when I saw it in a hardware store. It made me feel a bit special to bump into the designer when shopping for wiring in Akihabara. I think he was a bit worried how they were selling – the design was very unconventional for the time. I’m glad the line became very popular, and other companies also quickly released curvy colorful counterparts. I do love nice looking quality tools, don’t you?

  15. Sandra B says:

    Firstly, no idea who Heidi whosit is, but I have a theory why she did it.

    You see, I had social difficulties at parties in my youth, and solved them through the deliberate wearing of somewhat inappropriate clothing, ie fancy dress that you know will be more fancy than the general crowd standard, or overdressed enough to pretend I’d escaped from a really formal but boring function earlier in the evening, or even just an elaborate hat. Like Lesley’s cape, if I stood out enough, as soon as I walked in people would assume that the party was about to really start. I was upstaged once, however, by a handsome but dull guy who let everyone know he was a member of Mensa, and proceeded to hold court all night on his knowledge of Celtic history. (snore) I was very impressed, he even managed to have the two Barbie doll types leave with him.
    Maybe Heidi H-cup has such enormous social functioning issues that she has chosen to surgically implant her fancy dress costume.

    Secondly, I presume the comment just prior to mine is an advertisement that’s slipped through your filters, but in the context of this discussion I find it surreally funny, especially the last sentence about loving nice looking quality tools. You see, around here, “tool” can be slang for a stupid idiot.

  16. Kathleen says:

    Secondly, I presume the comment just prior to mine is an advertisement that’s slipped through your filters, but in the context of this discussion I find it surreally funny, especially the last sentence about loving nice looking quality tools.

    Not an ad, that’s Teijo who I love and adore, a long standing supporter of this site. While his command of English is exemplary, he may miss a few cultural nuances in that he lives in Japan. His comment is in reference to my mention of Black & Decker (my soliloquy to HCPG) -in addition to our occasionally discussed shared philosophy that beautiful tools tend to be well engineered.

    Sandra, meet Teijo. Teijo, meet Sandra!

  17. Teijo says:

    Hi, Sandra, nice to meet you – and thank you, Kathleen, for the kind introduction and follow-up.

    On rereading the post I do now see the somewhat surreal social innuendo. Yes – I tend to miss such nuances until someone gently points them out. Hopefully no-one was offended…

  18. stacy says:

    What a great post! First of all, there is no shame in admitting you didn’t know who Heidi was. The term pop culture is misleading… Heidi and “culture” do not even belong in the same sentence! Secondly, isn’t Zoolander responsible for homeless chic? I seem to remember Mugatu’s (Will Farrel) “derelique” look! Now THAT’S pop culture :-)

  19. Bente says:

    I am glad I do not have to go to that kind of “cocktail” parties..
    By the way, just got to know (this Saturday at a friendly home dinner..)
    that here in Texas the 13 years old all go to “the LINGERIE ” store to get super big padded bras. They want huge boobs all! I am just wondering: who is their ideal? Pamela?
    The controversies are a curious thing here in Texas; you know what I mean?

  20. jo says:

    Didn’t we have ‘Heroin Chic when Kate Moss first came on the scene? That passed by in favour of some other equally daft fad!

    We had much laughter recently when discovering a dear friend who had had implants some 20 years ago to go from an A cup to a DD cup and never changed the size of bra (wrong anyway) that she had always worn. Petite and slender she IS undoubtedly a 32DD but refused to acknowledge that the 34A Sloggi soft bra she wore was totally wrong!

  21. Helen says:

    I heard, once, of a bra line designed specifically for those with augmented breasts. Apparently (and not surprisingly) fakes have a different shape and sit in a different place than real breasts (especially for the unusually large sizes). I agree that the wire sizing must be difficult; can you imagine trying to fit a bra to someone with a 30 band but a 36″+ full bust measurement? Yipes. Talk about shifted body proportions. More like a front-heavy Barbie doll than a typical person.

  22. Katana says:

    I love that you read Jezebel. I am a lurker both there and here because I’m not that kind of commentor (here I’m a future clothing manufacturer, hopefully in my late twenties after school?) so I’m just here to learn.

    Anyways, the (Jezebel-confidant) conversation is one I would hope to have with you. I bet your rambling is awesome to listen to and I just wouldn’t know the right questions.

    Anyways, I learn a lot from both you and Jezebel and really quite appreciate it.

    Also, as someone with a D cup why on EARTH could having an H cup be something I’d chase after? Not anything to do with how it looks, but physically, it’s a burden.

    Just wanted to say thanks. :) Not everyone goes to lie down after your words!

  23. hmm says:

    “I agree that the wire sizing must be difficult; can you imagine trying to fit a bra to someone with a 30 band but a 36″+ full bust measurement? Yipes. Talk about shifted body proportions. More like a front-heavy Barbie doll than a typical person.”

    Hey, I’m a 30H. Those my measurements. Before I was “professionally fitted,” I just assumed I was a 32DD or 32DDD, as that was the closest I could find to a bra that fit me. I don’t have breast implants. My 30H bras aren’t that complicated; they are just the proper band and cup size. I kind of hate my breasts sometimes and I’d prefer it if they were smaller, but most of the time, I think I look like a normal person, not a Barbie doll or a cartoon or a freak of nature or something.

  24. Hmm, I’m so glad you responded. I’ve encountered several H cup women with small bands as I develop my shirts, and they haven’t struck me as looking strange. I think most people are surprised when a 30/32/34H tells them their bra size because the narrow back makes the H cup look smaller.

  25. Eric H says:

    I just read that Heidi Montag got newer, smaller boobs. Also, if you want to read someone who gets upset and uses lots of naughty words, you could always read Belle and/or Tedra on CrookedTimber.

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